“Hey Ian, did I ever tell you ‘bout the time we had an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile blow up and we lost a thermonuclear warhead somewhere between Pickles Gap and Toad Suck?”
That, among many other stories, are what I hope to detail in this effort. Arkansas is a beautiful, abundantly resourced, and generally speaking – fun lovin’ state. I lived here all my life – although I’ve traveled far and wide. I’ve spent at least one week in every major city in our great United States. Plus some months in Canada and France, and Culiacan. Yeah – I know – I share your shudder on the last.
People that know what I did for so many years -Training Nerds how to Code – ask me “which place is your favorite?”
I was gone from Sunday to Friday – IF the airlines didn’t glitch. For 7 years. It was a prison sentence in a way. Might be to Seattle, Burbank, Phoenix, Miami, NYC, Milwaukee, San Diego – whatever – it was all the same. There’s always a random pubic hair in the bathtub whether you pay $39 a night or $3900 a night. Same same.
I knew I had had too much when the bartender at Dallas Fort Worth (KDFW) airport I had engaged in many conversations on Sunday afternoons waiting for flights over years – watching football, baseball, whatever, waiting for the next connection – started asking me how my daughters were doing.
TO ANYBODY IN THIS SITUATION – bail out sooner. It was awful when I realized the life I was missing.
BUT – I did get the experience of knowing what almost all of our 50 states are like – I’m missing a few in the Northeast, the little bitty ones that never fit in the wood puzzle – apologies to Sooner Routhier, and South Dakota. Other than that – not that I’m from the state of Johnny Cash – I’ve been everywhere – oh shit – there I go. I am from the state of Johnny Cash.
When people ask me – what’s your favorite, where would you live? “Arkansas. Is that a real question? ”
The Geography
Think of Arkansas as a postage stamp smack in the middle of the USA. When I worked with French people I just said “ya know that TV series Dallas?” “Yeah?” “We’re up yonder from that”
If – sticking with the metaphor I just stated you drew a line from southwest corner to north east corner.
To the east is farms/delta/prairie. These days largely corporate owned, but still many family farms.
To the WEST – it gets to mountains. I mean, not Rocky Mountains – but significant bumps in the land.
The stuff that is important all centers around those factors, and why I love this state. Arkansas is positioned so that cyclonic vortices routinely charge their way up that line – fed by cold air coming down from Colorado and warm air coming up from the Gulf of Mexico.
PRO TIP: Simple Weather Knowledge
So the Warm fronts – the warm air coming in from somewhere are drawn differently. They look like this.
I have friends that wonder how I know what the weather is gonna do. WELL – I read the forecasts from NOAA. Their part is “rocket science” mine isn’t.
Here’s the thing. Think of cold fronts as pricks. The blue pointy things. And think of warm fronts as nice red bosoms.
It becomes a battle sometimes.
So anytime you get the pricks and bosoms circling – all KINDS of shit can bust out. And it does.
There are a couple of other kinds of fronts – stationary and occluded, where they’re in some sort of divorce settlement or marriage, but basically – that’s the deal. Same all over the planet.
I just condensed lots of hours of weather study into a paragraph but that’s how it works. Pricks & Bosoms you’ll never see a local weather forecast the same way after that.
It just HAPPENS – that Arkansas gets a lot of warm sweet moist gulf air coming north, and bitter Northwest cold air coming down. As such, we’re frequently witnesses to the worst child custody thing you’ve ever seen.
Now WHY would I bring up the word Bosoms so early into the ArkaVista guide. Simple. Maumelle. The French. One of our invaders or pioneers, the French. They looked at what we call Pinnacle Mountain now and said “Tit” en francais . Maumelle. — and they weren’t wrong. And as such, there is Lake Maumelle, and Maumelle across the river from it. Faut aimer les francais .
Regardless of desires and climate change whatever – that stuff marches up the I-30 then I-40 corridor. Reckon why?
Because you didn’t have to cut down many trees to build a highway. The tornados did it already.
Brief History
Arkansas was occupied by 4 tribes. Osage, Caddo, Cherokee and Quapaw. I say “occupied” with the same reverence you “occupy” your house. Or Apartment. Or Condo. Wherever you live. There’s that SPECIAL room you occupy occasionally while reading magazines – but we all know – that’s important to you. You Occupy. Home field advantage if you will.
Most folks have the idea that say, the Caddos were running around livin’ in teepees and eatin’ grubs for sustenance. NAY – they had cities. Established farming. Forts. Trade routes, economics, and so forth. That’s not to say grubs aren’t tasty and filling, but not for me. I’m not even about shrimp. Shudder.
There are many scholars that know way more than me about the history of this travesty, and I do not wish to get too far into it. My purpose is to explain why certain things are pronounced the way they are, and why certain things are viewed as they are.
The 4 tribes were first invaded by Hernando DeSoto, the Spaniard Conquistador. To my knowledge – the first European to cross the Mississippi River toward the west. And then by the French. And then, from there, it gets all sorts of weird. The French and the Caddos got along. The Spanish not so much, according to history.
As a result – depending on where you are in the state – different things (proper nouns) are pronounced differently. And if you get them wrong – you instantly label yourself as “you’re not from here” and suspect. It ‘tis a combination of Native American of the 4 tribes, the Spanish, French, African Americans, Italians and Irish immigrants. Oh, and Germans. Like my ancestors. That married a native american.
TRULY – a melting pot if there ever was one. So in different places, different words are pronounced different
But say it wrong – you label yourself as instant “not from here” even though you’re still speaking English. Internet search the term Shibboleth
Genetic memory being what it is, we’ve probably got a bit of bias surrounding carpetbaggers, trail of tears drivers, conquistador survivors, and perhaps warmer feelings about the French. It all gets very odd.
BUT not to worry – here’s your handy guide to speaking Arkansas!
Speaking Arkansas 21, rue d’Athènes, Paris . I got in a cab one day outside DeGaulle and said that and the guy was “hmmmmm” I tried it again. Shakes his head. I switched to English and repeat same.
“dude your french was fine, I’ve just not got a clue where that is”
Having established my English was understandable, I explained which train station my company had me stay near. It was very close to our offices, and I figured I could muddle it out in French, but instead, I switched to Arkansas.
I feel it is stated much more Accurately in Arkansasan by saying “it’s just up yonder from Saint Lazare train station” and the cab moved immediately as I pointed at the map he was holding. At least that day. Fun times.
I am absolutely certain my French is not fine but I try to break Arkansas down below. I have it on good authority by many that have dismissed me as being dumb I speak Arkansas great.
Let’s start at the very beginning. ARKANSAS – although mostly carpetbaggers and englishmen tend to think it is somehow related to KANSAS – it is not. At all. You’d have to travel about 40 miles from the Northwest corner of Arkansas to get to Kansas (god bless em).
AR – CAN – SAW. Comes from Europeans trying to pronounce the way the 4 tribes said it. People up the river or something. Kansas comes from – what – an album cover?
Ouachita
One of the most beautiful parts of the state – the Ouachita Mountains and Lake – are spectacular. That’s a straight up Native American. I have no idea who did the conversion to English letters – but that’s a Native American word right there! Whatever you do – do not say Oo-ahh-sheet-ahh (frikkin’ carpetbagger)
We will revisit Ouachita later from a perspective of why you need to know about it. It is a spectacular part of the world, without doubt.
El Dorado Ell duh RAY doh
WAY South Arkansas – I think it is probably left overs of the horrors of the Conquistador gifting small pox blankets to the natives (early bio warfare – look it up). But people in those parts tend to pronounce Spanish words DELIBERATELY incorrectly. I mean – don’t get me wrong, I don’t wake up and think “RAY vs RAH” doh. Its just sorta built in. I’ve heard this sort of thing in Austin Texas as well – “El Blanco River” is pronounced El Blank-oh last I checked.
Monticello
Prescott
Cantrell
Chenal en las petit roche .
Dumas
Nevada County
Mena
Searcy
New Madrid muhDrid which would be standard. Emphasis on the first syllable not the second. Prolly related to the whole De Soto thing – lots of peeps were pretty upset with their bioweapons for a long time. I only bring it up because its not my fault.
How to refer to a group I’m a musician, a coder, a pilot, but frikkin’ ENGLISH class was just way way way over my head. Hell I taught myself how to make printed circuit boards, and I am an expert with a soldering iron.
It cracks me up people talking about what their pronouns are. I’m going “you gotta lot of ‘sumption there thinking I even know what that means….”
…And if they ever shift over to adverbs …. I’m destined to fail. Can’t deal. So, In Arkansas:
YOU
YOU ALL
That was sort of grim – let’s try the same thing, but in a party setting – not even Arkansas – Trading Places movie. Eddie Murphy. You ALL need to get the F*** out!
That’s what we mean in Arkansas when we say ALL preceded by You.
Ya’ll
As in “Ya’ll
“I don’t know what Ya’ll
“why not?”
“Yeah – hey you
“Ya’ll
“Whoa – wait a minute….”
Standing up – Lead designer saysYa’ll you
“Yeah?”
“Ya’ll – we got it.”
This part starts to get weird
You’uns
In use:You’uns
When I began traveling a lot later on – I realized You’Uns Ya’ll
But it gets more interesting.
You-un-zuz You’uns-Zuzs
I’ve heard the same thing on the same latitude in 3 states. It’s an odd thing. Doesn’t run north-south – runs east west and pretty much – to the best of my knowledge stops at the western border of Arkansas.
God, I love this state.
You People
Pretty
We mostly say Prih-tee, that is to say, the standard method.
HOWEVER, occasionally, you’ll hear Prurr-tee as if the speaker began speaking with standard english and shifted half-way through to natural tendencies. A lot of our dialect works that way. More as I think of it.
FUN THINGS TO DO WITH DIALECTS I can read French half-ass well. I can’t hear or speak it at speed with consistency, and that was clearly evident when I was working in Paris. I could fake it enough that a waiter would hand me a menu in French instead of English.
One night at dinner with a co-worker, he placed an order. Looking at the menu, I knew what he said. But I couldn’t figure it out.
Finally after I placed my order “Peter what was that you ordered?” “Whole Minced Goat Head.”
“OH. That explains it. None of those words belong together in a sentence.” Ha!
But, I am a musician – I do most everything with my ears, and after a while of being there, the reading got better, the listening followed. Speaking, not sure why that won’t connect.
One day I realized 2 of the guys that worked on my team were talking about me with regards to lunch. Because frankly I had demonstrated and stand by this today – French food is either fantastic or “we usually throw that part of the animal away” and they were trying to figure out where to go for lunch.
It just suddenly clicked in my head. I look at them and say in English “Guys – that place on the corner, that’s fine with me…” and they were F*
I go “well well, two can play this game!”
So I picked up my cellphone and called my buddy Jeff in Arkansas and spoke to him in most Arkie exaggerated voice “hey jeff whadufuh you goan do win frog goan slahjah an anglegocky – shi, man, damn thing mite go whopperjawed I in france yo unersta wha I say these fuhs plain trik own me an chain duh way dey talk an I jus sho I cahn do same. You get all tha?”
Jeff laughing “yes, I got all that.
And then we had about a 10 minute conversation. Their expressions were hilarious.
THINGS THAT STING YOU
YELLOW JACKETS
Huge confession. Ages 4 and 6 or so.
My brother – who is a top level medical doc now – and I – were told by our dad – “don’t go near that shrub.”
Now – my dad – you gotta understand – worked ALL the time – the only time he didn’t work was when he was asleep. Which wasn’t much or often. God rest his soul.
“Boys -yellow jackets are in that – don’t go near it – I’ll take care of it when I get home.”.
“Ok Daddy!”
We’re playing catch baseball with another kid next door – and the ball rolls into the shrub.
My Brother and I look at each other with “uh – we’re done” but the other kid says “I’ll get it.”
HONESTLY – that is one of the most profound moments of responsibility training I ever can imagine. We both looked at each other and didn’t say anything – kid goes in, comes out screaming.
We’ve both felt guilt from that day forward and we shall. YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE STUNG BY YELLOW JACKETS.
Horrific. I mean, the kid didn’t die or anything – but 57 years later – still the worst thing I’ve ever seen. AVOID YELLOWJACKETS.
What to do if a yellowjacket lands on you
Hornets, Wood Hornets, Wasps and Bees
Let’s start with Bees & Wasps. The only time they’re going to sting you is if – you messed with them. Like, for example, you get in your convertible, and lean back in the driver’s seat not realizing there’s one of them on the seat. You’ll soon know what that means.
Wasps, however, have a nasty habit of nesting in stuff like oh, a sailboat boom underneath the furled and covered sail. I had a project sailboat for awhile in a marina on Lake Maumelle. One Sunday – nice day, sunny, weather’s nice, a bunch of folks on the marina as I walk to my boat to do that day’s project.
I get in the boat, reach to unsnap the sail cover, and they all stream out. I immediately launch into “Ouch, Cuss” (actual words redacted for reader) with GUSTO. While I’m still trying to react a guy from 4 slips over comes running up with a spray can and tosses it to me in the boat. Obviously, he had already “been there, done that.” Thence, upon approaching the boat, I’d grab a paddle in one hand and a spray can in the other. Knock 3 Times isn’t just about the ceiling booty call. Bonus points to anybody that gets that reference.
Hornets – I’ve never had an issue with. Been stung a few times, but it was probably my fault, putting my arm where I should have looked first. They didn’t swarm on me, just let me back off going “ouch, cuss, ouch,cuss” (we’re running a family show here folks).
Lucky I guess. They form odd looking nests and they’re easy to spot. Just stay calm near them and nothing happens. And, if that nest is near where your youngsters might go, take appropriate measures. Hardware stores have everything you need for less than $20.
Wood Hornets
It was exactly like getting a shot at the doctor’s office except in the wrong way. I looked like somebody from a cheap detective novel in about 3 minutes. Hurt like hell, still have a scar/dent. A fact my now grown up daughters like to point out and giggle at since they were old enough to point and giggle as toddlers. Hasn’t stopped yet.
Only advice I can give on that one is – if opening a door on an open air structure – duck low before opening, behind, and view it as releasing prisoners while you’re on the other side of the door. At least you’ll be able to see which direction to run. That one hurt. Decades later, that little dude still made an impression on me. And then, unlike bees, just flew off to join his evil comrades. Bees die after stinging. They don’t.
Things that make you Itch
How to tell you’ve been bitten by a spider:
*You’ll never feel it
Spider Bites! Ironically, the day after I typed those words, this emerged on your intrepid ArkaVista Author’s hand. That’s what they look like. And like I said, you’ll never feel it. From this point forward I must pay attention to it for a few days, which, is easy to do given where it is. Keeping it dry and clean is essential.
ArkaVista has a couple that are bad – brown recluse primarily – I dunno that much about em. But if you notice step C, a crater forming, ever so small, SEEK MEDICAL ASSISTANCE IMMEDIATELY. You can end up having problems somewhat akin to gangrene.
OK, so now, we got that out of the way. On to fun times with….
Ticks
So ticks are everywhere – nothing that special about ours I reckon. The one ArkaVista thing I’ll say – there comes a time in every young man’s ArkaVista life when he discovers a tick on the tender parts, if you will. What the brits might refer to as Wedding Tackle.
Where you turn your head and cough area for gym class.
THAT – is a moment you shalt not forget. And Thence, ye shalt not wade through the woods without repellent. It only sometimes works, just makes ya feel better that you’re trying instead of just going OyVey.
Chiggers
Chiggers are a 6 legged and therefore insect animal that are bright red. Easy to spot, right? They’re bright red.
WRONG. They’re tiny. TINY. smaller than a freckle of human skin. You need a jeweler’s loupe to actually see them and count the legs.
I sorta figure if we ever get taken over by an alien invasion, weird creepy things from Galaxy X – our top scientists will deliver the ultimate blow and stop the invasion with Chiggers. Space soldiers from Galaxy X phoning back home “mama – I just wanna go home, I hate this war and X-God I itch so much.”
So here’s the thing. You can’t see them. Seriously. Even with 7 yr old sharp as tack eyes, you can’t see em.
Their proliferation method is “hang out in bushes and then glom onto warm blooded animals and breed.”
I mean, meat’s meat and we all gotta eat. Don’t begrudge a critter of that.
BUT MY GOOD LORD – once you wander into a nest of them – you’ll soon know it.
They like to bite where the clothing fits tight.
The elastic on your underwear, your socks, your hat in rare occasions, but it happens.
And then – my goodness gracious, it is horrendous. They burrow under the skin, you notice it a day or two later. Just a casual scratch. And then another. And then another. And then you’re going WHAT THE HELL?????
REMEDY
I suppose that makes you feel like you’ve made progress in a way. Not here to judge, I’ve done it. Many times. I’ve got the repellents, AfterBite (a product) and other stuff on the shelf.
Scorpions
We have scorpions, probably more the further South you go. I’ve seen them a few times, but I’ve never personally had an issue with them. I think my brother got stung once. Always a good idea to shake out your footwear before just sticking your foot in while camping.
Things that Slither
I’m doing this guide in reverse order. REMEMBER THIS if nothing else from this guide .
RED AND YELLOW KILL A FELLOW.
Coral Snake. We have em but damn you gotta work at finding one. They’re very very very shy. But they’re also the only ones with neurotoxin. You don’t want to find one. Secret agent level exit. “Whu?” andddddddd…. Exit stage left.
BEFORE I GO FURTHER Here’s the thing about Arkansas – in the summer – don’t put your hands, feet, fingers, mouth near anything you can’t see. DO NOT pick up a piece of firewood to toss on the bonfire while looking the other direction. Do NOT go knee deep in a brush field for a hike of some kind without chaps or boots or dogs. Do NOT just plunge your hand into muddy water near the bank – to retrieve say a dropped item.
And of course, my brother and I and countless others have done that many times. We’re still here.
But you do get better at knowing how to peripherally watch what you’re doing.
Come on peeps, ain’t all that difficult – LOOK where you step or touch. That little fella is deadly but scared as crap.
We’ve got snakes that can look at you eye level if you’re 6 feet tall. You hardly ever see em, but if you step on one, you shall never forget it. ASK ME HOW I KNOW. I thought it was just all the stack of fanbelts in my dad’s shop – but good gawd ahmighty – them fanbelts moved!
My Dad called him Oscar. We’d find his shed skin in the shop occasionally but as much as my dad despised snakes, Oscar was a kingsnake, and we never had vermin in the shop. I’m the only one in the family that actually had a personal encounter. It was traumatic for both of us, I assure you, and neither of us suffered after the shock. Damn thing was about grown male human wrist size where I stepped on it.
I refer you to the fantastic Arkansas Game & Fish Commission https://www.agfc.com/en/- in my mind, some of the best money the state spends. They’ve got WAY WAY more detail on this stuff than I’m going into – and you can get a membership/subscription – EVEN if you live in a heathen state not called Arkansas – for not much money.
The 4 Harbingers of Slither
In Arkansas – we have 4 types of venomous snakes. Rattlesnakes, Coral Snakes, Copperheads, and Cottonmouths (aka Water Moccasins)
The ODDS of having a problem I’ve lived here for many years. And I have ENCOUNTERED many many snakes. How many times have I been bitten? ZERO.
Extending that – how many people do I know personally – not “I heard about” but KNOW have been bitten?
Exactly One. Sarah S – age about 11 at the time I think… Timber rattler.
Let me say that again – Exactly one. My brother the doc tells me it happens a lot more than I imagined but just relaying personal experience. I’ve been stung by hornets, wasps, bees many times – MOSQUITOS could have already lifted my soul to the heavens if they wanted… but while those snakes scare the crap out of me – I’m being honest – they generally don’t wanna mess with you.
Except Cottonmouths. Saving that for a minute.
In the case of young Sarah – parents rushed her to the ER – evaluated and sent her home. It was like the worst bee-sting you could imagine – and my heart ached for the kid – but she popped out on the other side with no treatment basically.
Coral Snakes – I think I saw one ages ago in South Arkansas, generally near Mt. Moriah but as my 7 yr old memory recalls we both looked at each other and went the other way. I just shook my head and said “had to be a milk snake- couldn’t have been a coral.”
I feel we were both better off with that assessment. They are very similar in appearance. Just remember – go to agfc.com site for more detail, or lacking that – Red touches Yellow – kills a fellow. The AGFC – to make it even easier:
“Red & Yellow – leave it alone. Red & Black – leave it alone.”
Unlike some I know – I have no desire to handle a snake. None. Zero. Zilch. I don’t like them. Can’t explain it perhaps in previous life if you believe in that sort of thing it was the end of me. I dunno. DON’T LIKE em. I’m also a pilot and terrifically terrified by being outside of a 40 story building on a rooftop or whatever. “How can that be?” “In the plane, the floor is less than a foot below my ass, let’s move on.”
Now – that said – as long as we – the serpent and I – both see each other – we can get along about our bidness.
Bidness by the way is an official Arkansas speak term invented by the only guy that beat Bill Clinton for governor. Once. Google it on your own time.
How to tell if a snake in Arkansas is venomous.
If you have to ask – it’s too late if it matters. Otherwise – PLEASE look at AGFC.com resources on this, but ALAS – since hollywood and all have taught us about Things that Slither – simple guidelines.
If the snake’s head is pretty much arrowhead shape – it’s probably not something you want to be around. If the head is same cylinder as body – you’re probably fine – unless red & yellow kill a fellow. It has a lot to do with where venom is stored and the type of toxin.
They freak you out more than kill you. BUT… on the freak you out front.
Copperheads
How does that play out in real life?
“THIS JUST IN: Woman had to climb tree to avoid swarm of copperheads headed her direction.” Snakes can climb trees easily for the most part. Perhaps the only solution at the time, but not all that secure.That is Exceptionally odd and the reason it ran on local news.
A very badly drawn caricature of my deceased father protecting my young niece from the copperhead chasing her while shouting DIE Devil. DEVIL DEVIL DEVIL.
How do I know it’s a copperhead?
PLEASE reference AGFC.com for more detail on this stuff – just trying to do ArkaVista short version. Hershey Kiss – get the F away. Don’t kill ‘em – that’s illegal. They do great stuff for the eco system. Unless you’re fearing harm to you or one of yours. Same for the rest of 4. In my Dad’s case, at the time, my niece was absolutely targeted, and he took the appropriate action. Just ask her.
I’m writing amateur hour level herp science here based on living here for a long time. AGFC.com has SOOOO much more info.
THE PROBLEM is – particularly the youngster copperheads – have a habit of say, crawling onto your cabin porch concrete slab to enjoy the warmth. You open the door, step on it, it’ll go 1 of 2 ways . MOST LIKELY – you’ll just freak out just like it is… I mean – think about it “I weigh 1 pound and this 165 pound human just stepped on me! AAAIIIIIeeeee” But they’re tough. Remarkably so.
Rattlesnakes
We have a few varieties – and they can grow quite large.
BUT AGAIN – I only know ONE person – ONE – that was bitten by one. And it was a youngster – a tiny baby – that bit her. Still hurt like hell, but it goes back to my point – pay attention to where your arms and feet go.
Her parents rushed her to the ER – where they said “meh, you’ll be ok – more worried about bacterial than venom, so take these antibiotics, go home, and just know it’s gonna be sore for a few days”
That was in the ‘80’s treatment has probably changed since, but the kid is a grown-up mom now I’m happy to report.
Cottonmouths I don’t know what it is about cottonmouths. They’re like the Soprano’s Made Men of the herp world in Arkansas.
All of the snakes I’ve mentioned above go OUT OF THERE WAY to not be seen by you. They’ve got great sensory systems and know you’re there before you know they are. Except for the basking takin’ a nap on the porch thing anyway.
Cottonmouths. Can be real jerks. They’re fat flat and power . If you see a “mask of Zorro” across the eyes – that’s a cottonmouth. Only thing they’re missing is the white stripes on dark sweatpants. But, given they have no legs, guess I gotta let that one go.
They like to hang out in trees, and drop in for a swim when they hear something like your bait hitting the water. Me being the musician I am – they make a very unique sound as they plop to the water. You can recognize it immediately. Reinforced at an early age of the peculiar shape in the water nearing me in the boat.
You be you, but if one bites my lure, there goes the rod & reel.
I grew up fishing in this beautiful state, and I’ve heard COUNTLESS stories of snakes falling in the boat, I’ve almost had it happen 3 times personally.
The Buffalo River, which I will go into detail about – is stunningly beautiful. One day, just bumpin along in a canoe – one of my best friends in the world – in the front of the canoe almost had it in his lap before I could get my paddle out. We had been catching and releasing fish like crazy – on a 2 day camp out river float. We had heard the Plops several times when we got near the banks with overhanging trees, and just got back in the current.
Here’s the adage my uncles and dad told me “If there ain’t snakes, there ain’t fish.” We’re both used to it, but still, on such a serene, calm drifting day we bumped into a boulder- and normally we just let the current swap us around. I should probably add this was the same best friend that was fishing with me during two tornados on Lake DeGray. No, those weren’t two tornados on the same day, we went back and did it again.
Hail hurts like a bitch, but damn, the fish were biting like crazy! We were (are?) way too stupid to figure out we’re in mortal danger.
I’m casting opposite of where the canoe bow was. I hear “uuuuuueheehehehehehe mmemememememem” gibberish and the canoe starts wavering to the point of capsize.
I look up – there’s a big snake about 2 inches from his hand on the gunwale sunning on the boulder. And it is moving.
I’m shouting “MARK – sit down – or we’ll be swimming with the fucker!” as I hastily tried to paddle us away.
Big nasty rascal about 3 feet long or more. Mean. Unlike the rest just going “oh crap – my cover is blown!” and running away – they do it the other direction.
After we got downstream and everything calmed down – we’re back to poppin brewski’s – “Mark I didn’t get a really good look at it – what do ya think it was?” Really, just to mess with him I knew it was a cottonmouth.
“It was a – it was a – it was a CopperMouth
And thus, was born the legendary CopperMouth (doesn’t exist – but makes the beer go down easier).
So that’s it – That’s the worst of the snake problems. The rest will just scare the crap out of you – but they aren’t poisonous or anything. PLEASE PLEASE – the AGFC.COM has GREAT information on this. I just tried to give a layman’s guide above.
And Now – on to…
Things that can Eat you
NOT that it hasn’t happened, just stating that as a citizen among 3 mill or so, I don’t know anybody.
If it is gonna happen, it’ll be in one of 2 parts of the state.
To the Northwest – and central sections, who knows maybe beyond. Bears. To the bottoms – ‘Gators. Alligators. And well, alligator snapping turtles, alligator gar, gar, I guess maybe there’s a few…
We keep being told there are no mountain lions here anymore but we constantly hear reports opposite to that from citizens. On the other hand, as a young lad, I never saw deer roaming around the posh neighborhoods in Little Rock either, but a common occurrence today.
Meat’s meat and a critter gotta eat, so who knows.
SOooooo let’s start with Alligators.
It isn’t an easy concept to explain to somebody what “the bottoms” are. It has nothing to do with emotions, financial wealth, romance situations, none of that.
The Bottoms are where the earth supplies endless liquid water and all God’s critters both plant and animal – Fauna Flora – go to grow.
I grew up spending summers in the bottoms. Way down South Arkansas.
That also means – think of it as Jurassic Park – it isn’t but for anybody that’s never been to a bottom… picture that. Me and my brother, we just went runnin around in it with BB guns and hand nets to catch crawdads. I really don’t even know why other than the technique – they go backwards when scared so you find a big one and scare it from the front while the other brother has receiver mitt net as it backs up. And then we let em go.
One day we’re in the creek bed by this little bridge on a gravel logging road across from my grandparents house doing exactly this when a truck came by on the road. It had rained recently, and there were many potholes full of water in the road. The pickup roars by and a tire drops in a pot hole.
Out flies a crawdad approaching the size of a grocery store lobster! And he was ticked off – can’t blame him. They can traverse dry land for a bit and he just wandered back toward the creek, whereupon we decided it was a good time to just quit messing with the crawdads and get out of the creek bed.
FUN TIMES. Only got lost once. Don’t wanna do that again. Cuz see – we also have this stuff called QUICKSAND.
That’s all bottoms stuff. Riverbank stuff. – we’ll move on.
Alligators
I could fiction this up, but I’m not going to do that. I’ve never been personally truly threatened by an alligator. I had ample opportunity for that to happen, but it never did.
But the thing is – if you’re out fishing at night on a flat bottom boat in the bottoms…and your flashlight captures red eyes ….
They are eerie as “all get out” -as the baptist in Arkansas would say. I could condense that into 4 letters instead of 9 but semi-tryin’ to keep this a family read.
When those eyes are far apart – it starts becoming an “issue” as it were. When you hear the hiss – it gets very real very quickly. My Grandpa and Dad just got us away. They glow like LEDS in your brake lights. It is very odd, and unforgettable.
That one is the state record currently 14 feet long – 1400 pounds. CONSIDER THIS – the gunwales of that boat are less than a foot above the water.
NAY – I do not venture into such endeavors. I may be from Arkansas but I’m not dumb. SHIVERS. First hiss – I’m out – c’est fini, craps dealer at vegas showing hands – DONE.
I know we had a kid get bitten in Lake Village diving for a swim off his parent’s dock – according to the news anyway – so it does happen.
PRO TIP: Don’t go into the bottoms at night. But, do know – that’s when some of the best fishin’ happens. Process that as you will.
That’s also where you go to noodle catfish (use your hand as bait) or gig frogs pretty much.
The Cone of Weirdness
Just like I’m not a biologist – I’m not a geologist, but weird stuff happens here. The weather thing I explained- runs mostly but not limited to a south west corner to north east corner.
The stuff the planet does in this area – sorta flows the other direction.
There’s a magnetic anomaly – meaning it makes your magnetic compass deviate – noted around south of Pine Bluff – on FAA (Federal Aviation Administration) issued pilot charts. In FAA speak it means “if you’re flying by magnetic compass… you could be 10 degrees off either direction, we dunno why?”
They know it is there.I mean, it is ON our maps.
That’s a pretty big deal – hard to explain to somebody that’s never looked into the grayness that true Instrument flying conditions are, but that’s a big deal. It basically means they’ve DOCUMENTED that it swings 5 degrees as to what North means on a standard compass.
Less important today with GPS and GLONASS but still – it’s WEIRD. And the reason it is documented.
I mean, it’s “we all know it is there, we don’t know what it is, just roll with it.”
Movie sci-fi alien level stuff. If you don’t know what a magnetic compass is – or a compass, you can skip this section. Basically a magnetic compass points NORTH. They’re cheap and plentiful – I mean, DIRT cheap, less than a dollar for one you can wear on your wrist. And they work great everywhere but …. There. ?????
SO…. if you draw a line from that point to Murphreesboro – where you can dig for your own diamonds… For a whopping $10. Finders keepers. That’s why we’re called The Diamond State.
There’s a bunch of other cool stuff in between.
But – the chart of cool stuff to do goes more like this.Tried to highlight how the funnel opens towards the west. I’m no zoolgist, I’m certainly no GEOLOGIST. But I can assure – the shit starts in the east and fans open to the west.
In Arkansas we have a phrase for that.
“We’re tetched.” Something in the land makes us different. Anyhow….
Let’s start with the 1st grader stuff. Hot Springs.
Hot Springs
Scholars would explain that is volcanic activity and blah blah blah blah blah –
The natives just said “dayyyyummmmmm that feels good.” and they held common ground no fight celebrations there amongst themselves to celebrate the mystical waters.
It still happens to this day. So naturally the Spainard and French became aware. In short order it became a legend, a destination. An El Dorado as it were, although El Dorado Arkansas had oil & gas, not hot springs.
It was SOOOOO good that in 1832, the United States of America declared it the first national reservation.
Heh heh heh, ya’ll peeps in NYC think you run the world, you don’t, we do. We got the planet on our side.
It was well known that the water from the springs was the purest water available (at least until “that guy” got in the tub), and people filled their drinking water jugs from it.
Some swore that the “mineral water” as it is called was a healing force.
They still do.
You can, as I type this in 2022, take some empty jugs – plastic, glass whatever and drive up to city square, park for free, and fill em up with natural spring water. No charge. We do that here in Arkansas.
I’m pretty sure I couldn’t get a jug of tar from La Brea in LA with my own jug. Just askin’ – not that I want it, but….
SO – since there was abundant hot water – HOT TUB ready water, with mystical healing powers, Hot Springs became a haven of those with Bucks. Big Money.
In the 1920’s and 1930’s.
Hmmmmm what else was going on then. Prohibition, the Depression, and GANGSTERS.
Al Capone. Bugsy Seagal. All of em.
As the natural course would take, Bathhouse Row was built. Mostly out of native stone. Spectacular constructions. Ornate massage/bathing steam rooms. They still exist.
The Chicago gangsters made a deal with each other – “Hot Springs is neutral territory – we shall not have conflict in Hot Springs.”
Gambling went wide open and the Arlington Hotel was built. It is a fantastic piece of American history. Oaklawn Park – a thoroughbred racetrack was built. The Arkansas Derby has spawned more than a couple Kentucky Derby winners, and continues to have top notch trainers and horses.
My late Father was the distributor for the Chicago Daily Racing Form for the state of Arkansas. As such, from age zero I was around some of these colorful characters throughout my life. I’ll save that for another work, but rest assured, I got a stick of gum occasionally from some people that were just being normal nice to “Jack’s kid” that had quite interesting names as I later grew up enough to put it together.
I’ve spent several nights gigging (playing music shows) and sleeping at the Arlington. And I always picture those twins from “The Shining” popping up. Freaky. But, it is ALSO – The only ground level swimming pool on the 7th floor.
Huge grin on my face. I’m not kidding.
As a result – gambling, tables, slots, all of it were EVERYWHERE in Hot Springs. There was a club called the Vapors where BIG, truly big name acts came through.
My personal favorite was Frank Gorshin – Tv’s Batman (Adam West) 1st Riddler. I did 12 shows with him.. I mention it because he summed up Hot Springs best.
“Hey, how are ya, how ya doin? Hope you got lucky at the track. Good to be back here in Hot Springs, Arkansas, home of the newly wed and nearly dead. Last time I was here was twenty years ago. Ah, you know they love ya when they ask ya back.”
I gotta say, that’s one of the most formative phrases that is burnt into my brain.
So let’s back up a geo
Right in the middle of that cone.
I’m about to explain some things that you probably don’t know. Maybe 3, 4.
You’ve probably heard of World War 2, right? Wanna know how it was won?
Bauxite Arkansas.
IN 1943 America was making bombers and other airplanes as fast as they could, and they were made from aluminum. Chemical symbol – Al.
Airplanes today are still made with the same substance – for good reason. It is incredibly light and incredibly strong.
Aluminum is refined from an ore called Bauxite. It just happens that one the largest deposits of Bauxite in the planet, happened to be – you guessed it, in smack dab center of the cone of weirdness Arkansas. Before they mined it all out anyway.
In 1943 – the company ALCOA – Aluminum Company of America – shipped 6,000,000 short tons of bauxite from smack dab center of Arkansas. For those that don’t know – a SHORT TON is 2,000 pounds. ALCOA already existed, based out of Pittsburg PA, but they brought heavy muscle to the area that became known as Bauxite AR.
Ever use Reynolds Wrap? For leftover chicken or whatever?
Antitrust after the war was over forced them to divest. I grew up with friends whose dad worked for either Reynolds or ALCOA but they were both mining the same piece of the earth.
When we were kids, we would sometimes go to the dairy queen equivalent, get a hot fudge sundae – with my parents in the front seat, and just watch “Big Arkie” work. 24×7 operation – that thing was incredible. You could put 3 dump trucks in the scoop. I AM NOT EXAGGERATING.
That sorta leads us into the Blue Hole segment later, but moving on…
Much later, I came to have ALCOA as a database development client, and learned their primary client was Dow Corning.
“Wait – ya’ll make sparkplugs?” “Nah, we make alumina.”
“Why the sparkplugs?” “they use the alumina to make ceramics. Like Sparkplugs.”
“Wow – what’s the other part?” “It can be several things, but did you ever wonder why Benton is called Benton? They have Bentonite clay.”
CONE OF WEIRDNESS – but it gets better.
Chief engineer explained to me what they’re doing “Dow Corning is our biggest customer. You know that countertop stuff Corian?” “Yeah?”
“So, when we refine the Bauxite, that ends up with 2 Al atoms binding with 3 Oxygen atoms. That’s Al203”
“Sure, my high school chemistry teacher made sure I understood what alumina is, Al 2 03.”
“Corian is basically alumina suspended in some sorta goo and when the Al203 gets excited by heat, it releases an 0xygen atom which immediately binds with 2 free Hydrogen atoms which are everywhere and you get H20 which immediately cools it.” –SIDEBAR NOTE TO DOW CORNING – I’m simply repeating what I was told by an Alcoa engineer, if it is wrong, you can’t fire her, she’s been out of the biz (or possibly life) for a while now.
“Dang…..that makes so much sense…” “yeah, that’s why you get paid. Now about these 2nd shift reports….”
I contracted at that plant for a few years, interfacing their legacy systems to more modern analytic computer systems. It gets complicated to explain. Anyway, I’d plop on a hard hat, wander onto the facility and into the office, basically 8-4p sorta thing. When you’d come out and back into the parking lot, your car would be covered in Al203 dust. It is a very very fine powder, bright white, almost like tiny snow.
I noticed some of the fulltimers were queuing up their cars and realized, “Hey, they’ve got a car wash! For FREE!” and got myself in line, washed the car off.
Next day I told one of the engineers “Hey man – super great the company provides a car wash for free.” He smiled and said “yes. And know that we reclaim 100% of the Alumina it washes off.”
I gotta say – that’s a win-win in my book.
South by Southwest
Resuming our SouthWest excursion in the Cone of Weirdness after stepping backwards for a moment in Bauxite – in and around Hot Springs, we meet a new feature.
Quartz . People come from all over the world to harvest the crystalline substance Quartz. To be fair, I don’t blame them. It is something that you pick up and go “dang” in my best Joe Dirt reverent voice.
I include a screen shot from a website offering an example – not my site – but to establish for the casual reader, there are some people that put a lot of “weight” into quartz.